On the subject of children and of having them.

So, I accidently clicked a children's medicine ad and now my social media is flooded with all things maternal. And- it's creeping me out.

Kinda like this.

I've been trying to figure out this baby/kid thing ever since my sister got pregnant and everyone swiveled their heads in unison toward me and thought pointed questions in my direction. It kind of brought my attention to this issue in a very acute way. But, really, I don't know if it's for me. Well, I guess I never really have felt like it is, but all the questioning and persuading and encouraging has muddled my brain to the point where I've been made to feel like I shouldn't feel this way. So now, I'm not sure if I actually don't know, or if I'm just being made to feel uneasy about my actual feelings by outside influences. I mean, isn't it a good thing to not bring a human being into the world knowing you just really would rather be doing something else?

Sure, we could be good parents, but is that the same as really wanting to be? I'm not sure if either of us does to be honest. We like our lives. I'm getting stressed out by having to take care of a rabbit for a friend because unlike cats, there's a daily expenditure of energy on it. Cats can take care of themselves up to a few days if you put enough food and water out....I don't think I want an upgrade.

To be clear I will now outline my reasoning of why I don't think kids are in the cards for me:

1). The physical side of children is disgusting to me.
It truly is. The thought of giving birth is still a bit outrageous. Also, I would never ever be able to breastfeed them. Ever. I'm serious. I know that it is better, I'm doing a health professions degree, trust me- I do know it's better if you are able. But I wouldn't. I couldn't. I have a hard time seeing others do it. People will say it's because we've sexualized breasts. For me, it's just a matter of personal taste and unconscious bodily revulsion. Just like a person cannot stand the sight/taste/smell or x,y,or z. I cannot do it. Again, I know it's supposed to be beautiful. But, to me it's not, it never will be. Even if it is an echo of societal perception, perceptions don't change overnight, and I'm thinking this won't for me- such is the strength of this particular aversion. *However, I would never want to make someone feel bad about wanting to nurture their child, but please don't judge me if I have to leave while you participate in this bonding time. If it is so special/magical/wonderful, you won't need me there. Then there's the smell....it's not even the defecation or urine- logically we all know those will smell, its just the rank odor of stale milk and sticky toys....I just don't want that on a day to day basis. And then you have to get them through puberty?! No. Thank. You.

2). Learning vs Teaching
I know these can happen simultaneously. But I prefer learning. Always have. I am a sponge. I see or feel no need to share my knowledge in any formal capacity- and I see parenting as a formal capacity for the sake of being consistent for your offspring. I am always stressed out when I am responsible for someone's understanding of something. Plus, it's different then just sharing specialized knowledge- you in many ways are kind of responsible for teaching them how to be or exist in the world. I would rather just learn how things are. People tell me that as a parent you are constantly learning more about yourself. I feel like that's a risky way to go about doing it. Also, I'm do not enjoy multitasking between people (self vs the kids) like that.

3). "Logging-off"
This somewhat related to #2 and it is not unique to parents, but it seems to happen more often when people become them. They just log-off their own interest/personality/life. Most days have to be structured around keeping your child alive and happy. I just find it body-snatcherish when your friend who used to like X now makes no time for their passion whatsoever. It's like they've decided to stop growing as a person because they are too concentrated on growing this other person. Even if they do have a healthy balance, it can never even be 50/50 until the kid is grown and that bugs me that it takes up so much of your time. Sometimes, I also think people have children so that they can entertain/distract themselves until they're old. Because, kids are pretty entertaining. But, that's not a real reason to have them. We should be able to cope with aging whether or not we have kids around. Because people still have value and can still learn and can still grow and can still be amazing at whatever age. Right?! Unfortunately, few people's behavior tells me that they actually believe this. It's kind of sad really.

4). Pragmatic reasons
Children take $ and time. Neither of which I've ever been affluent in, but I am just approaching the thresh-hold of having more time and $ for my activities. I don't want to miss out on enjoying adulthood by adding extra concerns right off the bat. I like having whole afternoons to stare at the ceiling and mull over things without interruptions, I get edgy if I don't have enough time for myself, and I feel more anxiety about things if I don't do something physical most days. Most of my passions simply do not lend themselves well to squeezing in the rearing of children. I hope to write one day, which requires (for me) vast amounts of time to ponder. I like being able to save up money for a relaxing trip and not have to worry if there are kid-friendly attractions that are within budget- or if where I want to go is even safe enough for kids. I want to be able to up and go somewhere or do something and not feel guilty. I don't think that's selfish. I think it's selfish to idealize children to the point of convincing yourself you want them, then realize you never did- children will probably pick up on that quiet resentment.

5). I could be the best Aunt/Daughter/Sister ever.
If I didn't have children of my own and didn't have the logistical and financial burdens of taking care of them, I can help those in my family who do have little ones in the most marvelous ways. I could also help my aging relatives more due to my freedom from other familial obligations.

6). My husband has shown no preference.
This is his unique ability, to not care enough to have a favorite or a preference in most things. Except, I guess I'm his favorite person because he took the time to date and marry me. If he shows any real feelings on the issue- it would be re-opened for discussion. But here's the key in all this: WE NEVER DISCUSS IT. This to me signals it is just not on our minds. (Well, until you visit family and friends and they put it into your minds.) But naturally, we never really have cared yet. We never talk about having kids, or saving up for kids, or making sure to find a place that kids could fit into, or really anything that is kid-centric. We both enjoy working with youth, but it has never really translated into feeling that we need any of our own.

Now, I would also like to point out that while I am a nervous person, I'm not afraid that I wouldn't be a good parent. I would be a great parent. Probably better than you! So there. I'm being confrontational in this point because I feel a lot of people would argue that I'm just scared. I believe my feelings are not coming from a place of anxiety, but a place of reality (if such a place exists). I'm not just coming up with excuses because I am fearful. Nope. I know that everyone is fearful. I just do not want kids at this point in time and do not believe this will really change.

However, I want to be known as someone who always is open to new possibilities. So, if you have any thoughts or comments on your life with or without kids, and why you think they are great or not so great- please feel free to express them. I'm listening.

The Long Walk

One day, not so long ago, in a town no one could possibly say was far far away, I was asked by a woman named Jeanne a simple but jilting question- what DOES make me feel connected spiritually? This was just after I just listed off a bunch of practices that faith traditions have, and experiences that I have undergone which made me cynical, detached, angry, bitter, and unhappy about. I replied to her question, in a voice I thought could be mistaken for confident, that the act of learning was the most spiritual experience for me.

But really, I had never thought about such things because:
 1)  I just kind of auto-piloted any "connected" part of me when my Dad died..... and I got married..... and I moved to Kansas..... all within 3 months. I truly am just beginning to find where I put my emotions and how to use them. Ask Jude- whenever I have an overwhelming feeling good or bad I just kind of turn off, especially when I'm upset- its. so. hard. to. actually. speak. So it makes total sense that I then go join a tradition that is big on mediation and talking through conflict....ummm, what? Am I outta my frickin' mind?! It's quite hilarious to me. I guess you could say my emotional spirit animal would be a shark. I'm asleep, but I can still swim. It might not seem like it, but I'm actually still only waking up right now.

2) I also never thought about such things because I am a pessimist and love to dwell on negativity in order to feed my creativity. I think my character traits are pretty much cannibals, which is great for recycling emotions. So yeah, my inner world has gone green on itself and I am a wholly efficient being- if nothing else. Some days, thinking about anything outside of myself is a waste of time and energy. This is probably why I tend to mull on my past and not notice my present and why the question really took me off guard.

3) Pragmatism is also my downfall. A lot of days, I cannot even fathom why anyone would think "the journey" is something savor rather than the end goal/result/measurable success. Traveling is rough. There's not ever enough leg room, some baby is always crying, and something or someone always gets lost....the journey my ass. So, most attempts to try and spin reality into something that's mushy and rose-colored makes me recoil and I miss moments of connection as I am only worried about tasks and efficiency.  

But, after my walk today I might have an additional answer to Jeanne's question.
NATURE. N-A-T-U-R-E. I am at my soul's hearth when I am with trees and fish and ants and birds. The universe and me are mushy and blissed out and at peace in positivity with one another when I'm in the woods. All of the cliche things people say about "enjoying the journey" become precious and insightful if they are whispered to me by crickets, sung to me by herons, or signed to me by maple leaves. I feel like I can hold all the world's hope in my hands and believe in it. Believe that people can understand each other, or are at least wanting to. That generosity is more prevalent than greed. And that lonely and frail human beings can know they matter to others. That things will just in general work out and get better.

Cheesy, corny, unrealistic. I know. But then again, I'm typing this in my living room. I wonder what I would say if I was up in a tree....

Probably this. 

Warning: Online Balancing Act May Cause Drowsiness.

UGH. I think this sums it up:

"It's incredibly irritating that Facebook has become such an indispensable mode of communication; it often seems like it's somewhat required to have a Facebook profile just to appear to have an actual presence on Earth—invitations, news, and connections pass you by if you're not a part of that easily-contacted world. And so for many, the trick is to maintain some sense of privacy while putting your trust in the hands of a company that shows very little respect for it."   ~ Hortense Smith  

This is the main reason I decided to get back on facebook. Insert huge sigh. Friends were complaining that they couldn't keep in touch as easily. In my overtly passive agressive opinion, friends usually keep in touch despite whether or not they can click on your picture. Ha. But, I admit that I honestly also did feel left out and it's very tense and weird when you have to ask/remind friends to make sure they text you if they are hanging out because you won't see it on facebook. My intention was not to make sure I get "special invites" or to make it hard for the people I appreciate to reach me, especially people who are half a country or oceans away. 

So I brainstormed and googled and I think I have found a solution to increase productive dialogue online and decrease the toxicity of facebook on my time and well-being. All while still being able to receive information on what is going on. Allow me to explain:

If you haven't noticed (as I am assuming most traffic here has been routed via facebook) my FB wall is disabled. You can't post anything on it. Muwahahaha. It is all part of my evil plan to have the last word. Just kidding. It just helps me not having to check it incessantly for validation, as I know I will never get any there, because no one can comment. 
Then, eventually, I will create an email just for facebook and turn on notifications to it if someone messages me or invites me somewhere, and then forward these to my actual email. This way, my actual email is protected from FB spam, but not the information that would still connect me to people. 
In conclusion, I will actually never have to go to the facebook website and get lost in the buzzfeeds, over-photographed babies, and political/religious/food chemical/diet debates ever again. But I will still be apart of the connection and have an online presence for future employment since that's a thing now. 

But holy cow the effort this will take to implement! Balance is hard. All for the sake of connecting with people who eventually wear me out anyway. Maybe I'll just read books instead of maintaining relationships. Much easier if all your friends are imaginary...