The Long Walk

One day, not so long ago, in a town no one could possibly say was far far away, I was asked by a woman named Jeanne a simple but jilting question- what DOES make me feel connected spiritually? This was just after I just listed off a bunch of practices that faith traditions have, and experiences that I have undergone which made me cynical, detached, angry, bitter, and unhappy about. I replied to her question, in a voice I thought could be mistaken for confident, that the act of learning was the most spiritual experience for me.

But really, I had never thought about such things because:
 1)  I just kind of auto-piloted any "connected" part of me when my Dad died..... and I got married..... and I moved to Kansas..... all within 3 months. I truly am just beginning to find where I put my emotions and how to use them. Ask Jude- whenever I have an overwhelming feeling good or bad I just kind of turn off, especially when I'm upset- its. so. hard. to. actually. speak. So it makes total sense that I then go join a tradition that is big on mediation and talking through conflict....ummm, what? Am I outta my frickin' mind?! It's quite hilarious to me. I guess you could say my emotional spirit animal would be a shark. I'm asleep, but I can still swim. It might not seem like it, but I'm actually still only waking up right now.

2) I also never thought about such things because I am a pessimist and love to dwell on negativity in order to feed my creativity. I think my character traits are pretty much cannibals, which is great for recycling emotions. So yeah, my inner world has gone green on itself and I am a wholly efficient being- if nothing else. Some days, thinking about anything outside of myself is a waste of time and energy. This is probably why I tend to mull on my past and not notice my present and why the question really took me off guard.

3) Pragmatism is also my downfall. A lot of days, I cannot even fathom why anyone would think "the journey" is something savor rather than the end goal/result/measurable success. Traveling is rough. There's not ever enough leg room, some baby is always crying, and something or someone always gets lost....the journey my ass. So, most attempts to try and spin reality into something that's mushy and rose-colored makes me recoil and I miss moments of connection as I am only worried about tasks and efficiency.  

But, after my walk today I might have an additional answer to Jeanne's question.
NATURE. N-A-T-U-R-E. I am at my soul's hearth when I am with trees and fish and ants and birds. The universe and me are mushy and blissed out and at peace in positivity with one another when I'm in the woods. All of the cliche things people say about "enjoying the journey" become precious and insightful if they are whispered to me by crickets, sung to me by herons, or signed to me by maple leaves. I feel like I can hold all the world's hope in my hands and believe in it. Believe that people can understand each other, or are at least wanting to. That generosity is more prevalent than greed. And that lonely and frail human beings can know they matter to others. That things will just in general work out and get better.

Cheesy, corny, unrealistic. I know. But then again, I'm typing this in my living room. I wonder what I would say if I was up in a tree....

Probably this.