A Daily Practice... Someday

The line between personal surrender and personal criticism has been floating through my thoughts lately. To cultivate a meaningful daily practice or passion is something I have been trying to develop, but the allure of pragmatic progress is so embedded in my brain that I immediately critique my choices or try to rate it's value. I'm looking for objective criteria to grade my subjective tastes so I that I'll have some knowledge as to whether or not it's worth participating in.

So, before even my first attempt for a new practice, I investigate different methodologies of how it is done and all the various approaches, flaws, inconsistencies, and quirks. I make lists and schedules of how I think I could accomplish it or fit it into my life. Thus, thoroughly strained and sick of it all, I ultimately ruminate on the futility of even thinking any of it was truly important to begin with and worth all of the attention and analysis I gave it. Thus, I guard myself against "useless or negative experience."

Perspective. Rotate. Blend.

Such an approach succumbs to external pressure. I'm trying to validate my inner world through a reflection. The outer world is too big to be mirrored only in me. I am not appreciating my choices for myself, but evaluating them based on what is important to others.

This can be somewhat insidious because being considerate of others is highly valued and important. Often, when we say "I'm stressed" we say we are trying to live up to what people tell us is important and what we actually mean are the shallow, superficial things. However, people DO also perpetuate worthwhile, non-shallow things too: like recycling, giving back to the community, etc. So, when I want to spend money, time, and effort on a hobby I feel inclined to make it worthwhile to others as well. Again, I run into a cloaked form pragmatism, but pragmatism nonetheless.

I want to be useful, but I also want my experience to be useful to me. I think the whole reason I wanted to find and treasure a personal practice was because I need to rejuvenate myself, not society, not others. Just myself. For myself. Yet, the hypocritical hipsters, grad school over-analyzers, and a lot of well-meaning conscientious social media feeds fill me with anxiety because of the many many many unfair, environmentally damaging, racist/sexist/discriminating systems that I must live into to even take a drink of water let alone enjoy myself. So I am frozen: if I pick something to retreat into I'm "living in a bubble" and if I try to participate, I'm already complying with some things I don't theoretically support. Every little descision leads to a hyper-awareness of the tangled web of life and becomes a microcosm of moral mines because we've so much information at our disposal.

So when I say the world is too big to be mirrored in me- I guess I mean so are its issues. I can't possibly live fully into everything I agree with, support, or think is important when asked. I shouldn't demean or write off a personal interest just because I must wade through a muddy water to participate and I shouldn't think I'm any less of a person if I just want to stay home and take a break from being "informed."

 And a final thought: Experience is never useless-  chips spray and split from the stone as an image forms on the remaining relief. Every experience carves into you and leaves you with space to grow you didn't have before. And hopefully, I'll be able to put these thoughts into practice within whatever practice I choose.


Someday.