The Long Walk

One day, not so long ago, in a town no one could possibly say was far far away, I was asked by a woman named Jeanne a simple but jilting question- what DOES make me feel connected spiritually? This was just after I just listed off a bunch of practices that faith traditions have, and experiences that I have undergone which made me cynical, detached, angry, bitter, and unhappy about. I replied to her question, in a voice I thought could be mistaken for confident, that the act of learning was the most spiritual experience for me.

But really, I had never thought about such things because:
 1)  I just kind of auto-piloted any "connected" part of me when my Dad died..... and I got married..... and I moved to Kansas..... all within 3 months. I truly am just beginning to find where I put my emotions and how to use them. Ask Jude- whenever I have an overwhelming feeling good or bad I just kind of turn off, especially when I'm upset- its. so. hard. to. actually. speak. So it makes total sense that I then go join a tradition that is big on mediation and talking through conflict....ummm, what? Am I outta my frickin' mind?! It's quite hilarious to me. I guess you could say my emotional spirit animal would be a shark. I'm asleep, but I can still swim. It might not seem like it, but I'm actually still only waking up right now.

2) I also never thought about such things because I am a pessimist and love to dwell on negativity in order to feed my creativity. I think my character traits are pretty much cannibals, which is great for recycling emotions. So yeah, my inner world has gone green on itself and I am a wholly efficient being- if nothing else. Some days, thinking about anything outside of myself is a waste of time and energy. This is probably why I tend to mull on my past and not notice my present and why the question really took me off guard.

3) Pragmatism is also my downfall. A lot of days, I cannot even fathom why anyone would think "the journey" is something savor rather than the end goal/result/measurable success. Traveling is rough. There's not ever enough leg room, some baby is always crying, and something or someone always gets lost....the journey my ass. So, most attempts to try and spin reality into something that's mushy and rose-colored makes me recoil and I miss moments of connection as I am only worried about tasks and efficiency.  

But, after my walk today I might have an additional answer to Jeanne's question.
NATURE. N-A-T-U-R-E. I am at my soul's hearth when I am with trees and fish and ants and birds. The universe and me are mushy and blissed out and at peace in positivity with one another when I'm in the woods. All of the cliche things people say about "enjoying the journey" become precious and insightful if they are whispered to me by crickets, sung to me by herons, or signed to me by maple leaves. I feel like I can hold all the world's hope in my hands and believe in it. Believe that people can understand each other, or are at least wanting to. That generosity is more prevalent than greed. And that lonely and frail human beings can know they matter to others. That things will just in general work out and get better.

Cheesy, corny, unrealistic. I know. But then again, I'm typing this in my living room. I wonder what I would say if I was up in a tree....

Probably this. 

Warning: Online Balancing Act May Cause Drowsiness.

UGH. I think this sums it up:

"It's incredibly irritating that Facebook has become such an indispensable mode of communication; it often seems like it's somewhat required to have a Facebook profile just to appear to have an actual presence on Earth—invitations, news, and connections pass you by if you're not a part of that easily-contacted world. And so for many, the trick is to maintain some sense of privacy while putting your trust in the hands of a company that shows very little respect for it."   ~ Hortense Smith  

This is the main reason I decided to get back on facebook. Insert huge sigh. Friends were complaining that they couldn't keep in touch as easily. In my overtly passive agressive opinion, friends usually keep in touch despite whether or not they can click on your picture. Ha. But, I admit that I honestly also did feel left out and it's very tense and weird when you have to ask/remind friends to make sure they text you if they are hanging out because you won't see it on facebook. My intention was not to make sure I get "special invites" or to make it hard for the people I appreciate to reach me, especially people who are half a country or oceans away. 

So I brainstormed and googled and I think I have found a solution to increase productive dialogue online and decrease the toxicity of facebook on my time and well-being. All while still being able to receive information on what is going on. Allow me to explain:

If you haven't noticed (as I am assuming most traffic here has been routed via facebook) my FB wall is disabled. You can't post anything on it. Muwahahaha. It is all part of my evil plan to have the last word. Just kidding. It just helps me not having to check it incessantly for validation, as I know I will never get any there, because no one can comment. 
Then, eventually, I will create an email just for facebook and turn on notifications to it if someone messages me or invites me somewhere, and then forward these to my actual email. This way, my actual email is protected from FB spam, but not the information that would still connect me to people. 
In conclusion, I will actually never have to go to the facebook website and get lost in the buzzfeeds, over-photographed babies, and political/religious/food chemical/diet debates ever again. But I will still be apart of the connection and have an online presence for future employment since that's a thing now. 

But holy cow the effort this will take to implement! Balance is hard. All for the sake of connecting with people who eventually wear me out anyway. Maybe I'll just read books instead of maintaining relationships. Much easier if all your friends are imaginary... 

Wrong Math, Ignoring Physics, Dreamer Pigs, and Germ Fairies.

Soooooo, the girl's math was wrong (see previous freaked out post). Totally didn't have to worry about Microbiology- even if I got a 57% on the final......which I kinda did. Oh well. I blame it on choosing work over school, because money. Also because I lost all motivation right after midterms. Also because I'm tired.

Another thing that has happened is that I read a book. A fiction even. It was marvelous. I read it in a day in a half. That was also marvelous. Then, I got really really sad and frustrated that I had to go back into reality, even fun reality like celebrating with friends. It just wasn't as good as living in the book in my head, probably because my real friends can't break the laws of physics. Sometimes I think the reason I have an innate aversion to physics is because I think that if I ignore it, then I still have the potential to circumvent it.

~~~"One day we will fly- we just know it" said a group of dreamer pigs. And that started everything. Before that, everyone did not hope for the impossible, they knew the world was full of reasons and explanations and just plain common sense. But once the pigs said that, they introduced the concept of pure, potent, and unique mystery to the aforementioned ordered world. Now, people who have unusual amounts patience believe that if they just wait long enough those dreamer pigs eventually will fly and that they too will be able to see and do unexplainable magic. I was definitely not one of them.~~~



Sorry, I got carried away! I like fantasy soooo much, sometimes I just start thinking/talking in stories and metaphors. This is funny in a way, being in stark contrast with my need for honesty and how my interest in science (except physics) is an avenue for that. Yet, I hate spoilers and like mysteries to remain in the world, untouched and beautiful. Sometimes, I wish I could unlearn things so I could enjoy the world with fresh naivety. Somehow, its more elegant to believe in fairies than in germs.

French Exam in 2 and a half hours L'exam francais en 2 heures et demie

Yeah, I will look through the chapter in a bit. But obviously two hours before an exam is also the parfait time to blog.

First things first: I really really really really really want time away. Away from school, away from the city, away from work, away from responsibility, away from conjugating French verbs....really it's not the verbs though. It's those little prepositional words. Ick.

My ultrasound came back normal- ReCAP: I had side pain, ...again, they thought cysts, got ultrasound, there were no cysts. Now, I'm on the fence of whether I should care if it flares up again. They said if it doesn't resolve in a bit they could do further imaging. Maybe its my posture, it's pretty terrible.

Taking a pathophys class in a couple of weeks won't help when I have unexplained phenomena in my LLQ. Anything that vaguely sounds familiar I'll be asking "I wonder if that's what it is?" Lame sauce. I think I'm just going to wait until something definitive happens. Less money spent that way. Perhaps. I think that's the best approach since I'm 27, active, eat decently, don't smoke, and otherwise am healthy- until a stupid voice in the back of my head whispers "cancer...."  But then there is nothing really to do about something like that anyway besides noticing it.

My curiosity drives me farther and farther from sanity some days.
Adieu.