I am now 28 and I don't feel any closer to figuring out what I want. I'm so sick of school. I just want to travel, discover, feel something. I wish I would have deferred entering my program. I wished I would have listened to Jude. Usually the broken could use a break, but I rushed into it again thinking this would fix me. Learning, tasks, checking off the boxes is my band-aid. But is it what I need? What I want? I'm probably still bleeding anyway.
I feel precariously cracked, like if someone uses a certain tone everything will come flooding through, washing out. Maybe I want it to happen. I keep trying to stitch myself up, but it's getting harder when I'm working with smaller and smaller pieces. Bits are still dripping on the carpet.
I wish it was easier to fail. Then you'd have an acceptable excuse to let go. It would be dictated by the situation, not by your choice. Why can't people accept that you don't want or need to challenge yourself? I need to give up something before I my mind gives up itself.
Maybe this is why I spend more and more time in bed- day dreaming/sleeping. I wish that bit of movie life could happen that when the person needs to step away from their life and they are able to find a low-key but perfect job/hobby to occupy their time and pay their bills and their boss is nice and the work is nice and the sun is out and it's snowing...
Why can't I just deal with this? This is first-world-white-girl problems. Wah wah, I have too many choices. Wah, wah, I have to go to school. I mean, what? This is just as exhausting to grapple with in my shredded mind.
I don't know where the strength to fake my way through this week is going to come from. But maybe the momentum from trudging along this far will let me pass by on muscle memory, because I can't afford to wake up yet.
