I am not entertainment. Recently, I read that some people who are sensitive or highly aware when they are around people (aka introverts), can feel like it is their responsibility to keep the group dynamic pleasant, merely because they can see it easily. Their paranoia, awareness, insight, or whatever you want to call it, is an asset in assessing social groups (maybe this is why I enjoyed anthropology) even if they are stressed at integrating into said group (probably why I didn't like anthropology)
So, they analyze the mini-societies they find themselves in before anyone else and it becomes their self-identified duty to keep things going well- even if they are the new person in the room, even if it isn't their party, even if they will never see these people again and don't care about them beyond decent treatment to fellow human beings. This leads these sensitive individuals to "put on a show" for the benefit of all. Acting silly so there is a common butt of jokes, acting slightly off-putting to bring leaders together to help you have a better attitude, acting helpless when things aren't going well so caring individuals feel like they have something to mother. You become a chameleon for the group's needs. This can lead to frustrating moments of self-unrealization as you put your needs on hold.
Then, most social groups you are involved in all have very different perceptions as to who you are- in one you may be the strong one because they all want an ideal, so you try to be the ideal; in another you are the weak one, because they all need to fix something, so they try to fix your exaggerated ailment. Ultimately, you end up coming across as insincere, two-faced, unstable.
So, I am trying to recognize when I am feeling like the entertainment and when this is appropriate and when this is inappropriate all while trying to make new acquaintances, maintaining old ones, and rekindling old friendships. It's exhausting and hard to find the line between working on your character and over-analyzing yourself.
I am not a hero. This ties into above a bit. However, besides the people factor, I think I tend to overestimate what I can accomplish in any-given day. And seeing as I don't believe that multi-tasking is something that really exists (your brain can't actually physically work this way- look it up) and yet admitting that I'm not the best at it, as our culture keeps asserting that it does exist- well, the prognosis for my future "productivity" isn't the best. And it bothers me. It bothers me I can't live up to certain standard. Some people overcome great odds and do everything right and manage to balance a job, school, homelessness, children, blind parents, war, racism, extreme talent, puppies dying etc, and it makes me feel like getting my act together- like I'm wasting time even bothering trying...at anything. I naturally set my expectations in extremes "All or nothing" (my first mistake I know) and since I can't do it all, then I feel like nothing and give up. This has robbed me of enjoying my past and seeking other opportunities. I need to learn, to feel, that I matter and stop comparing myself, my wants, my choices, my circumstances to others. I cannot do it all. I will not save the day. Many of my dreams will not come true. I won't be everything people are looking for. I likely will not impact the world in any significant way, but I am still significant. Now if only I knew where this need for proving my worth came from. ACKNOWLEDGE ME DAMNIT!
I am not reliable. I think this is because I entertain and because of my heroic inclinations. I get tired. I was too tired to begin with. Probably because I never really reach where I believe my goals should be. Because they are too high. Really, my perception of where the bar is, is somewhere by one of Saturn's rings. Nothing wrong with having a goal, but you need to acknowledge when they are a bit unrealistic or unhealthy-especially when you feel terrible for not reaching them. So terrible you give up, but then feel bad about giving up and sort of show up, or sort of type your paper, or sort of email that person, or sort of volunteer for that thing. Half-assing your way through 3 bachelor degrees is tiring. And infuriating, since I shouldn't be able to. At times, I want to fail so that I can actually say that this is a problem, but the grades are still there, and I am still in this weird limbo.
I'm tired of this yo-yo living. I am but I'm not. I want to, but I don't. Hopefully this will clear itself up as I see it as a symptom of other factors rather than a stand-alone issue. Perhaps this is why I am drawn to a qualitative attitude lately. Example: I go to swim, and through doing swimming I get better. No expectations or external goals like: I'm going to swim this or that amount. My goal is hidden from myself and I continue to go swimming. The minute I place some quantification on it like: I am going to swim "x" meters without stopping- I get nervous and stressed, I do poorly, I tend not to meet it, even if it is an amount I know I usually do without problems...and then I stop swimming eventually as things compound and I feel like I shouldn't even bother going swimming if I'm not even good at it. (and for the record: I am not good at it, I just like it- but that should be enough of a reason!!!)
I am not flexible. Physically and metaphorically speaking here. I prefer things organized, like my time. Probably since I'm trying to build Rome in a day or something... I also like certain things, like relationships being defined because to me it fosters honesty. I take friendships seriously, maybe too seriously. Once I form a close bond, I do not see it in a state of flux...but maybe I should. This has become apparent as I reflected on a few of my previous friendships that changed to acquaintance-ships virtually overnight without any acknowledgement besides statements "we're still friends" and confusing behaviors that didn't match those statements- like regular invites stopping. I mean there is growing apart- but that assumes an inherent amount of time where people gradually step back...this is NOT what I experienced.
All of this is vastly hypocritical of me to say since we've just established that I am not reliable and therefore probably exhibit some of the same confusing behavior. Damn. (See? I knew this would be enlightening.) I hope I've never left someone feeling suddenly cut-off in this dreadfully ambiguous place. Actually, I know I must have. I'm sorry, truely. I must not have had energy or time to invest in another friendship, but I should have made it clear in words and behavior.
Anyway, I also didn't react well to these jarring situations that happened to me and didn't confront them very well (I modeled my family's style of communication: passive aggressive) so now most aren't even acquaintances, but flat out strangers. I couldn't handle being friends in name only, but because such things terminate unresolved- those pasts will always look bitter.
I need to recognize my relationships with people are framed again in this "all or nothing" attitude and realize that some people despite good intentions are actually jerks when it comes to interactions all WHILE holding my emotions as valid- even without them being externally acknowledged. Then, I need to find a better way to express all those sentiments. Like letters. Long letters. Long, edited letters. Long, edited letters that you never send because you aren't reliable...
I am not confident in my own skin. Like most women, I am not immune to feeling pressure about how I am supposed to look. But, I also can't lie that I am more confident when I am closer to my ideal and my ideal is semi-tied to weight, makeup, hairstyle and contacts. GASP! But I am supposed be beyond this since I know it is a ruse, and I agree it is lame. Yet, I still am trapped a bit by it and probably always will be. Perhaps I could break free of such constraints if I was able to pierce my lip, crew cut my hair, dye it purple, and get piano keys tatooed on my arms- but I need a job eventually and even with those add-ons, there's still a sub-culture scale of beauty it will be judged against (which I think is even harsher sometimes). If I'm being really honest, I would still try to maintain a slim figure despite "breaking" those amorphous dress-code laws of society. So really, I will always choose to be a player in this game. Whether this is because people are nicer to me when I invest in my appearance or if it is from the inner me feeling freedom in being expressed on the outside- this is difficult to tell. I mean, when I got a bit heavier for the first time, I was still decently happy, but I could feel my previous frame encased in my new physicality. It felt like a coffin. It wasn't me. While I never really considered myself a jock, despite growing up playing a lot of sports, but I do have a natural activeness about me and I wasn't living into it. And that bothered me that my natural movements became harder to do and less fluid. Actually, I was terrified. Terrified that I was losing control of my own body. Because being considered thin (not heroin chic thin or anorexic thin, just thin) was and will always be a part of my own identity, just like being tall, white, and female are. So I guess, I'm not sure if I'll ever fully reconcile myself to my appearance. I'm not sure anyone ever really does. (Did I tell you I'm seeing wrinkles now?!)
There are other "nots" but I was supposed to be working on chemistry for the last couple of hours.
So, until we meet again-Cheers.
