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| Kinda like this. |
I've been trying to figure out this baby/kid thing ever since my sister got pregnant and everyone swiveled their heads in unison toward me and thought pointed questions in my direction. It kind of brought my attention to this issue in a very acute way. But, really, I don't know if it's for me. Well, I guess I never really have felt like it is, but all the questioning and persuading and encouraging has muddled my brain to the point where I've been made to feel like I shouldn't feel this way. So now, I'm not sure if I actually don't know, or if I'm just being made to feel uneasy about my actual feelings by outside influences. I mean, isn't it a good thing to not bring a human being into the world knowing you just really would rather be doing something else?
Sure, we could be good parents, but is that the same as really wanting to be? I'm not sure if either of us does to be honest. We like our lives. I'm getting stressed out by having to take care of a rabbit for a friend because unlike cats, there's a daily expenditure of energy on it. Cats can take care of themselves up to a few days if you put enough food and water out....I don't think I want an upgrade.
To be clear I will now outline my reasoning of why I don't think kids are in the cards for me:
1). The physical side of children is disgusting to me.
It truly is. The thought of giving birth is still a bit outrageous. Also, I would never ever be able to breastfeed them. Ever. I'm serious. I know that it is better, I'm doing a health professions degree, trust me- I do know it's better if you are able. But I wouldn't. I couldn't. I have a hard time seeing others do it. People will say it's because we've sexualized breasts. For me, it's just a matter of personal taste and unconscious bodily revulsion. Just like a person cannot stand the sight/taste/smell or x,y,or z. I cannot do it. Again, I know it's supposed to be beautiful. But, to me it's not, it never will be. Even if it is an echo of societal perception, perceptions don't change overnight, and I'm thinking this won't for me- such is the strength of this particular aversion. *However, I would never want to make someone feel bad about wanting to nurture their child, but please don't judge me if I have to leave while you participate in this bonding time. If it is so special/magical/wonderful, you won't need me there. Then there's the smell....it's not even the defecation or urine- logically we all know those will smell, its just the rank odor of stale milk and sticky toys....I just don't want that on a day to day basis. And then you have to get them through puberty?! No. Thank. You.
2). Learning vs Teaching
I know these can happen simultaneously. But I prefer learning. Always have. I am a sponge. I see or feel no need to share my knowledge in any formal capacity- and I see parenting as a formal capacity for the sake of being consistent for your offspring. I am always stressed out when I am responsible for someone's understanding of something. Plus, it's different then just sharing specialized knowledge- you in many ways are kind of responsible for teaching them how to be or exist in the world. I would rather just learn how things are. People tell me that as a parent you are constantly learning more about yourself. I feel like that's a risky way to go about doing it. Also, I'm do not enjoy multitasking between people (self vs the kids) like that.
3). "Logging-off"
This somewhat related to #2 and it is not unique to parents, but it seems to happen more often when people become them. They just log-off their own interest/personality/life. Most days have to be structured around keeping your child alive and happy. I just find it body-snatcherish when your friend who used to like X now makes no time for their passion whatsoever. It's like they've decided to stop growing as a person because they are too concentrated on growing this other person. Even if they do have a healthy balance, it can never even be 50/50 until the kid is grown and that bugs me that it takes up so much of your time. Sometimes, I also think people have children so that they can entertain/distract themselves until they're old. Because, kids are pretty entertaining. But, that's not a real reason to have them. We should be able to cope with aging whether or not we have kids around. Because people still have value and can still learn and can still grow and can still be amazing at whatever age. Right?! Unfortunately, few people's behavior tells me that they actually believe this. It's kind of sad really.
4). Pragmatic reasons
Children take $ and time. Neither of which I've ever been affluent in, but I am just approaching the thresh-hold of having more time and $ for my activities. I don't want to miss out on enjoying adulthood by adding extra concerns right off the bat. I like having whole afternoons to stare at the ceiling and mull over things without interruptions, I get edgy if I don't have enough time for myself, and I feel more anxiety about things if I don't do something physical most days. Most of my passions simply do not lend themselves well to squeezing in the rearing of children. I hope to write one day, which requires (for me) vast amounts of time to ponder. I like being able to save up money for a relaxing trip and not have to worry if there are kid-friendly attractions that are within budget- or if where I want to go is even safe enough for kids. I want to be able to up and go somewhere or do something and not feel guilty. I don't think that's selfish. I think it's selfish to idealize children to the point of convincing yourself you want them, then realize you never did- children will probably pick up on that quiet resentment.
5). I could be the best Aunt/Daughter/Sister ever.
If I didn't have children of my own and didn't have the logistical and financial burdens of taking care of them, I can help those in my family who do have little ones in the most marvelous ways. I could also help my aging relatives more due to my freedom from other familial obligations.
6). My husband has shown no preference.
This is his unique ability, to not care enough to have a favorite or a preference in most things. Except, I guess I'm his favorite person because he took the time to date and marry me. If he shows any real feelings on the issue- it would be re-opened for discussion. But here's the key in all this: WE NEVER DISCUSS IT. This to me signals it is just not on our minds. (Well, until you visit family and friends and they put it into your minds.) But naturally, we never really have cared yet. We never talk about having kids, or saving up for kids, or making sure to find a place that kids could fit into, or really anything that is kid-centric. We both enjoy working with youth, but it has never really translated into feeling that we need any of our own.
Now, I would also like to point out that while I am a nervous person, I'm not afraid that I wouldn't be a good parent. I would be a great parent. Probably better than you! So there. I'm being confrontational in this point because I feel a lot of people would argue that I'm just scared. I believe my feelings are not coming from a place of anxiety, but a place of reality (if such a place exists). I'm not just coming up with excuses because I am fearful. Nope. I know that everyone is fearful. I just do not want kids at this point in time and do not believe this will really change.
However, I want to be known as someone who always is open to new possibilities. So, if you have any thoughts or comments on your life with or without kids, and why you think they are great or not so great- please feel free to express them. I'm listening.
